What Makes Me Feel Human?

I could never quite put together this feeling I was missing. All my life, I've been in survival mode. I never realized it until a while ago when I went into hermit mode subconsciously because the noise of everything was too loud. Sometimes I do that, apparently, not even knowingly either, which is five therapy sessions' worth of explaining why. Life mostly feels like a hurricane. The puzzle piece is still missing, no matter what phase of the storm you're in. And you continue to think you're missing something, all while not knowing what it is.

Gaining material things, life experiences, accomplishments, they all take one hell of a rough road to get there. Nothing is easy (unless you're rich, then yeah, it's easy). It takes risks, getting heartbroken, looking crazy, people thinking you're crazy, sweat, scream tears, and more than likely a substance.

It is so easy to lose yourself among the constant chatter and the changes you have to go through, willingly or not. Getting lost in the background of experiences because you're so wrapped up trying to make a future life for yourself or keep up the lifestyle you already have. You forget to live. I don't mean by doing what you're supposed to be doing or expected to be doing. You forget to live. Really live. You forget how nice the breeze feels on a hot day, or how much you really miss eating your favorite food. You forget to see the world wonders or take a spontaneous road trip. You forget how much you love the rain, or the snow.

Returning to your body is a different beast in itself. It takes a tremendous amount of awareness, but also gratitude, to realize you've been stuck doing shit you hate all this time, or the energy around you is nothing like you want your world to be. Picking apart yourself, your habits, how the people around you match up to who you want to really be and where you really want to go. Sage-like perspective it takes, if you will. Really asking myself this constantly: "What makes me feel human?" Making sure my own brain is aware of itself and its surroundings in present moments and can disperse the fog from that tunnel vision. So here they are—the things that make me feel alive, like a person again, human, in my rawest form:

• Walking or running with no destination

No step count, no timer, no mileage goal, just music and moving through the breeze with no intention of being anywhere. I notice animals and plants I never would've noticed otherwise. I can feel every ounce of the sun shining on me, and I change to walking to the tempos of my music instead. Movement without measure returns me straight to the present.

• Expressing myself through art

Writing poetry, typing out my purging feelings, drawing, creating a painting of my very own, making sculptures, learning how to crotchet. Nothing makes me feel more human than when I can feel my creativity flourishing in those moments. Art is my soul food, and my most grounding technique in all forms

• Dressing myself up in my best outfit, best makeup look, and gorgeous hair

That is what being a woman is about. Especially a young woman. Nothing will make you feel more powerful, sexy, or free than when you look your best (I don't mean plastic surgery btw)

• Being in utter awe when looking at the sky

Every sunrise and sunset, every night the stars are impeccable, when I see the pictures of the northern lights, or the planets and galaxies from the NASA telescopes. When there's storms, or natural disasters that form in the skies. I'm in awe every time, the sky is one of the most unreal scenes a human can witness. It never ever feels real. Which is why it makes me feel so human

• Lighting my specific candles (Coffee and whiskey or anything vanilla) or incense after cleaning or deep cleaning

  
  

• Experimenting with my hair

I've had every hair color you can think of. ROY-G-BIV has been on my head (and I look damn good in every color), nearly every haircut (except a mullet or a mohawk don't play with me), and my hair is curly, coily and huge. I can do everything and anything to my hair and it's amazing

• Dancing in its raw and loose form. No choreography or plan. Always. To my favorite songs especially

• Listening to a random song I loved at least 5 years ago and haven't listened to since

• The movie Soul. And the entire Hunger Games franchise. The books included. NO show or movie will EVER make me feel more human than these ones. You must watch and know my lore to understand more

• Estate sale items/ shopping at them

Have you ever been to an antique estate sale? Filled with dream home decor and old antique items that you'd die for? I would suggest it. If there's anything more beautiful than antique art, let me know!

• Reading a 5-star book that you went into thinking nothing of

It's similar to how you try a food you thought you'd hate or avoided all your life, and it turns out to be one of the best things you've ever tasted. If you're a book lover like me, then you know

• Last one: a really, really cozy blanket. Wrapping up in it especially after a shower, when its freezing, or a long day

I am not constantly doing these things, but that's what keeps the art of the question alive. How else will you be reminded you're real and human if you do these as routine? It will slowly become the background, like before. I'll always keep these near, so I can return to myself at any time. And even when I feel on a different planet, just reading the list can help. Feeling human again shouldn't be a chore or mean you have to be your best, most productive self to enjoy them; it just means you're remembering that your life is happening, that you have free will, and can do whatever the f*ck you want to make yourself feel alive again.

Feel imperfect. Feel calm. Feel. It's all real. I promise.